Lather, rinse, repeat. (Monica)

I had to go back in to the doctor today; my hysterectomy was only about a month ago, and I'm still having problems with swelling/pain.  I went into my doctor last week for them to check it out, then they wanted me to come in again today.  She gave me an A+ on my external healing, but doesn't understand why I'm still having pain, so she scheduled an ultrasound for me.  Unfortunately they can't get me in until the 13th of next month.  Gah.  I'm weaning off the pain meds though, so that's a good thing.  The hot flashes however...not so much.

I mentioned to my doc that I'm having problems sleeping and am still incredibly emotional.  She decided to up my hormones; instead of one pump per shoulder, I do a total of three.  She told me, however, that I'm still only getting the same amount that a woman of 45 would get, so they may yet up them some more.  That seemed incredible to me!  I'm really concerned about how this is going to affect me overall.  I take a multivitamin made for women who are going through this, mostly because I want to make sure I'm getting the additional calcium (bone density drops radically during menopause).  My doctor told me that the hormones help with it, but I figure more can't hurt, right?  And unlike Nikki, I'm not having much of a problem with my skin (I've broken out since I was about 12, and my facial acne has actually gotten much better since the surgery).  Sex isn't a problem, since I'm not allowed to have any until after 6 weeks, but stay tuned as that may change.  What concerns I do have are, in no particular order:


1. My Hair:  It's been falling out.  A LOT.  Some of it is because of the surgery itself (I've had a problem after every surgery with it), and some of it is the fact that I dyed my hair quite a bit.  But the fact that it's thinned so incredibly much is, while vain, still distressing.

2. The skin on the rest of my body: I've been breaking out on my chest and shoulders a LOT more.  I bought an anti-acne body wash, but to no avail.  I don't understand why it's happening, but am attributing it to hormones.

3. My bitchiness: I just can't seem to stop!  I don't want to be like this, and when I realize I'm doing it I stop and apologize (mostly to my husband, who bears the brunt, poor guy).  It's like I'm standing outside myself, watching myself be this huge bitch, and I seriously want to slap the hell out of me.  But seeing as how that would just make me look REALLY insane, I try to shut up.  (If you know me, you know that's not easy!)

4. My sleep (or complete lack thereof): I don't sleep normally anymore.  I've had problems off and on over the years, mostly with just not being able to "shut my brain off".  That's not the issue at this point though; right now it's that I'm SO restless.  I can't seem to hold still, and if I do fall asleep I wake up every 45 minutes to an hour afterwords.  Then I look at the clock, curse the luck, and lie there staring at the ceiling listening to my husband snore like a freight train before dozing off again, only to wake up about 45 minutes to an hour later...lather, rinse, repeat.  Gah.

5. My kids: I can't imagine what it's like for them to have to watch me ride this roller coaster.  I try to keep my temper, and for the most part do a good job (I think).  I just don't want them to grow up thinking that the way I'm behaving is "normal".  Because I seriously nowadays don't even like myself anymore.

I think that's the biggest issue of all.  I know for a fact that at this moment in time, I wouldn't be friends with me.  And that's a horrible feeling!  I'm working on it, and my husband keeps telling me that it's ridiculous for me to feel this way.  (Note: DO NOT TELL A WOMAN GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE THAT SHE'S CRAZY FOR SAYING/DOING/FEELING ANYTHING.  ALL IT WILL DO IS PISS HER OFF.)  He says that once the hormones are figured out, things will get back to normal, but I'm really starting to wonder what in the hell "normal" is!

I welcome any thoughts/comments, if you have any you'd like to share.  And if you made it through this, thanks. :)